Arguing is normal in pretty much any relationship. Whether it be a significant other, family member, or long-time friend, no two people agree 100% of the time. According to Insider, all couples fight, whether it be once every one or two months or once a week. In the end, there is no average in terms of how often couples fight because every couple is different. But while arguing is normal, when is it too much? In this blog, we’ll discuss arguing in relationships, including the benefits and what exactly is the meaning of too much or a healthy disagreements.

Are There Benefits to Disagreeing?

If you’ve never heard it spoken, you might be surprised to learn that disagreeing with your partner isn’t only normal – it’s healthy. And when you disagree in a healthy manner, there are a number of benefits to be had. These include:

• Helping you learn about your partner. When you and your partner disagree, it effectively shines a light on how your partner thinks/feels on different issues, helping you to gain a better understanding.
• Revealing where you need to make changes. Disagreements can ultimately help you see the areas in which you and your partner are misaligned, allowing you to make slight adjustments as needed.
• Practicing your listening and problem-solving skills. When you’re able to hear and understand your partner, you’ll find both of these skills improving. Additionally, it’ll be easier for you to reach a compromise.

In the end, disagreements are going to happen. What truly matters is how you respond. When you and your partner find yourselves in an argument, there are several ways to make the experience useful and avoid hurting any feelings. Continue reading to learn more.

How to Make Your Argument a productive one

• Don’t refer to it as a fight.

When you choose to view a disagreement as a fight, it can put you in a conflict mindset and put you on the defensive. As a result, it becomes more difficult to communicate. Furthermore, it effectively separates disagreements from violence, as the term fight often refers to the latter.   

• Utilize “I” Phrases.

By using “I” phrases, you become more aware of your own feelings as well as your role in the disagreement. When your partner says “I am experiencing (insert feeling here)” rather than “you’re making me feel (blank)”, it’s much easier to empathize with them and ultimately prevent a nasty argument from occurring.

• Don’t persuade – listen and share.

All too often, we find ourselves attempting to change the mind of others so they agree with how we see or feel about things. However, you can’t expect your partner to change their mind. Instead, try explaining how you feel without pressuring the other person to agree.

• Give journaling a go.

It’s perfectly normal for one to struggle with communication from time to time. And, according to Preply, people are only getting worse at communicating. If this is a common issue within your relationship, you might consider trying journaling.

By writing down things like your current feelings, you can acknowledge what you’re accountable for as well as what’s at the core of the argument.

• Remain in the present.

While the issue at hand might remind you of a past incident, it likely isn’t ideal to bring it up–especially if your partner has apologized. When you bring up the past often, it can lead to your partner no longer wanting to open up when something is bothering them. Take a break if you need. Allowing an argument to get the best of you and your feelings to get too heightened can greatly compromise your communication.

If you find this is happening, you should consider putting a temporary stop to the disagreement until you are once again cool and collected.

Signs that you need a break include speaking louder, trying to take control of the conversation, withholding the truth, and shutting down.

When an Argument Goes Too Far

While arguing is normal, there is a limit to what’s acceptable in the heat of the moment. To maintain a healthy relationship in which you’re able to thrive, it can be highly beneficial to understand what’s toxic and what’s healthy. Below are three key indicators of an argument going too far.

Denial

If your partner often denies their own behaviors, claiming they can’t control how they act in an argument–they definitely need to work on their communication. Examples of common denial statements include:

• “I get like this because I care about you.”
• “I can’t help getting so angry.”
• “You know I didn’t mean it.”

The Blame Game

People with poor communication skills will often find a way to shift the blame, even when they are the ones at fault. In the end, this can make you take responsibility for the sake of ending the disagreement. Blame consists of such statements as “if you do this, I have to do this” and “look what you made me do”.

Manipulation

This is a surefire sign of toxicity that doesn’t only exist in the form of a loud or heated conversation. In fact, it can easily be hidden behind guilt or a test of loyalty. For example, “you wouldn’t do these things if you truly cared about me.”

Healthy Communication for a Healthy Relationship

In the end, relationships should make you feel good. You should never feel as though you’re not appreciated, respected, or truly loved. To some, love is the point of life. And according to 2date4love, to this day, 88% of Americans marry for love, making it the number one reason. And the best thing you and your partner can do for your relationship is to work on your communication. Only then can you begin to truly understand and empathize with one another. Better yet, you can live a happy life full of love, understanding, and mental wellness.